Tuesday, July 16, 2013
A Letter To My Sons About Prom
Someday, I hope that you will go to your senior prom. Your father and I have been chaperoning them for years, and I think that it's a milestone in a young person's life. We've seen a lot in the nine proms we've attended together, and there are a few things I want you to know. I think they'll help you have a successful and enjoyable night.
First: hygiene. If you reach 18 years old and I still have to remind you about hygiene, I'm going to feel pretty bad about myself as a mother. Seriously, the chances of your having a date to prom at all will be significantly decreased if you haven't learned this one by then anyway, but this night, it is especially important. There will be a lot of bodies in a small space, dancing, and by the time the clock strikes midnight, it smells like a sweat-drenched bowl of cheetos. A guy's prep for prom is pretty minimal to begin with, so if you can't master this one, you're in a lot of trouble.
Second: Keep your shirt on. I don't mean this one figuratively. Since the time I was in high school, and I'll assume ages before, teenage boys have thought it clever and studly to ditch their white button up, wearing just their bow tie and vest. This is neither clever nor studly, it's a jackass move and to be really honest- it lets the stink out. The two of you are likely to be tall and spindly, not to mention incredibly pasty. This is not the Thunder Down Under, and even if it was, your pasty chests are not what they're looking for. This is prom, and your date will have gone through a small amount of torture to look nice for it. Don't prolong the torture by forcing her to pretend you don't look stupid. Keep your shirt on.
Third: Let's talk about your date. Please, for the love of all that's good and holy, don't take the girl with the thousand dollar dress to prom. Don't take the girl who can't have a good time because she's too worried about the money spent on her looks for that night (or for that matter, not worried at all). Take the girl who is fun to be around, who is a friend, and who won't make you hate her by the end of the night for being high maintenance. Take the girl who is as big a nerd as you are. You'll have a much better time.
Fourth, and finally: Don't peak in high school. Don't be too popular. Be the likeable nerd who gets along. Be ready for the bigger and better things to come.
And seriously, keep your freaking shirt on.
PS: Oh yeah, we'll see you there. We'll probably still be chaperoning, and we'll mimic any inappropriate dance moves you try.